Spring has not sprung.

Whoop-ti-springin'-do.

You might assume that I am not 100 percent in favor of this arrival-of-spring-thing, and you would be right. Oh, I'm as tired of winter as you are - and I'm a person who actually likes winter. How could you not like a season that has Christmas, Groundhog's Day and National Pancake Day in it?

But this year's winter has been, to use the meteorological term, a lulu. Snow, ice, cold, kids home from school for months at a time ... it was almost as bad as the winters our parents used to tell us about where they had to walk five miles through raging blizzards just to get a Hershey Bar, or the winter Uncle Jehosephat got lost going out to the barn to do the milking and showed up two days later at the neighbors' with a copious amount of cough medicine on his breath, wearing one of his boots as a hat, singing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" and carrying a chicken he had named Old Blue.

So yes, I've had about enough winter, too. But that does not mean I am ready for spring. Spring, after all, means yard work, and I detest yard work.

A little while ago I took a look around the back yard to determine what must be done to get it into some reasonable semblance of shape. Here are my notes:

1.      Scoop up dog bombs. Get BIG scooper and bucket. Cut down size and frequency of dog's meals.

2.       Hire landscaper?

3.      Talk to dog about big hole where Japanese lilies used to be.

4.      Also similar holes where iris, day lilies, echinacea and black-eyed susans used to be.

5.      Consider planting artificial flowers.

6.      See if guy down street who keeps asking for money wants to earn it performing dog bomb removal. Doubt it. Even winos have SOME standards.

7.      Landscapers expensive.  Maybe just get quotes.

8.      See if family of possums is still camped out under back porch. Assuming they are possums and not Ginormous Mutant Sewer Rats. In either case call exterminator because dog has already said indicated she has no intention of going under porch, the big weenie.

9.      Look online to see if there is any chance of using dog bombs to solve energy crisis.

10.  Also go online for landscaping tips, bypass landscaper fee entirely.

11.  Forget previous task. Preliminary search indicates cost of necessary equipment and products about double that of hiring professional. Also way more work than I want to do.

12.  Remind self to write essay about how yards might look better if left in natural state.

13.  Go online. Search "Teach Dog to Use Bathroom."

14.  Calculate amount of grass seed needed to patch bare spots in what is jokingly referred to as "lawn."

15.  Wow. Get estimate from paving company on cost of green concrete.

And then I had a stroke of springtime genius pop up ("kaboing") and hit me right in the face:

16.  Forget grass. Forget paving. Forget landscaping. Rent large rototiller. Plow back yard. Plant cantaloupe. See what terms dog will require for fertilizer contract.

I know what you're thinking. I'm an idiot. Raising cantaloupe IS a lot of work.

True.

But it isn't yard work.

© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.